I don’t even know why I decided to write about this…
I think I just wanted to remember and archive this memory.

Going back to my late grade school days (I was in Canada at the time, so after grade 7) and probably up to early high school… (can’t remember exactly how long this lasted) I remember times when I used to get bad marks in class.
Often, these marks (test, report cards) needed to be acknowledged by parents, and I remember dreading telling them about it. Sometimes even going to great lengths to avoid telling them. Sometimes forging their signature (may have happened more then a few times) to not have to tell them.
And I remember feeling really crappy about the fact that I knew I was disappointing them. I remember crying in bed at night about it… usually before I broke the news. I felt really bad about disappointing my parents. On one occasion (and I know there were more then one occasion of this, it’s just that one stands out) I remember being in bed before going to bed, and thinking what was the point of living if I kept screwing up so routinely. In essence, they were thoughts of ending my life, to not bear through and have to repeat these feelings.
On a side note, this was the only time I have ever contemplated ending  my life. The idea has never surfaced since.
And the thoughts were very clear…

One night, and I remember this very vividly, it occured to me, that what I was spending all this emotional energy over, was like crying over spilled milk. It’s done. There’s nothing I can do about it now. The past has happened, and all I can do is deal with the present and future. It may seem like a cold way to treat emotional situations, but it helped me get passed the “feeling bad” about events (bad marks, etc).

I think that a profound effect on me and who I am today; not very emotionally reactive, calm and collected in the face of sudden change or surprising events. Maybe that was only part of it… I don’t know for sure, but I do know it had an effect on my personality.